This week we went over marriages and introducing kids into your life. Right around where Michael and I are in our life right now so of course it really intrigued me. We were talking about the advantages and disadvantages to marrying young especially because it happens frequently in the Latter-Day Saint culture. Some advantages we came up with is when you marry young you have more of a mate selection and you're also able to have more children more often. The younger you get married the more opportunity you have to have children. Disadvantages is that some people get confused maybe with the misattribution of love or something and commit too early without thinking it through. You also don't get to know as many people because you're not out dating for years, you already have found your partner. I think overall though, it's more of an advantage to marry young. People who marry closer to age 30 have a harder time when they do find a mate because they have been set in their ways for so long. Plus, when you have kids early on, you rely on each other more. You are both growing up together and setting a routine together and so you can grow closer together because you're both experiencing life changes. When you marry older you have to work a little harder to get a routine together and you've already potentially gone through life changes by yourself rather than a bonding moment with someone else.
LDS people usually think about marriage at the first date. That's not true for everyone, but it is typically true because you marry who you date and marriage and family are really important in our religion. My teacher pointed out that in Denmark you just hang out and you don't start dating until around your 30's because that's when they consider marriage. Well someone pointed out that a downside to LDS people thinking about marriage on the first date is that you could decide to not even try to go on a date with someone because they're not "your type". Think about all of the people you could meet that maybe would be good for you, but if you are thinking right from the beginning "Well I would never marry someone who looked like that" then maybe you could miss out on something great. In a way it's judging a book by it's cover.
Another thing we talked about was how marital satisfaction statistically decreases DRAMATICALLY once a baby is born. There are ways to help keep from this. It is SO important to go on dates all of the time. A lot of couples stop going on dates during pregnancy even because the wife feels lousy, and then after the baby is born is even more. It's so important though because dates are your time alone to be with your spouse and that is SO important. It's also really important to involve your husband in everything even if he doesn't seem to care. It will help him feel bonded with the baby during and after. I had Michael going to almost all of my appointments when I was pregnant with Adalynne and although sometimes he felt it was pointless, I think it really helped him to feel a part. He was saying how important it is to have a bonding experience as a new family and sometimes other family members can inhibit that. I remember when I had my daughter I felt like I really lost out on an opportunity with her and didn't get to bond with her like I should have. Mainly because almost right after I had her everyone came in the room to see her. That's not necessarily bad because I know everyone was excited but after all it was my new family and I didn't just get to sit and hold my new baby and stare and smile at her. Right away it felt she was handed off and I just had to watch everyone else hold her. It will be different with my next. I want to make sure I bond with her like I didn't get to with my first. I'm not doing it to be mean either, I'm doing it so I can feel secure in my relationship with my baby and grow with my family. I don't think Michael and I have had a decrease in marital satisfaction because mainly when we had Adalynne we made it a point to still do things together and date often. Mainly because we lived with family for the first 8 months and so we could go out whenever, and also because he has always been the most helpful husband ever.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
Dating
This week was all about dating and love. I found it very interesting when we dove into what actual love meant, it's different than you typically think. Love has four different meanings in Greek. Agape, Philios, Eros, and Storge. Agape is general love you feel for others. Charity and the like. Philios is brotherly love. There doesn't have to be romance or anything. Eros is the typical one most people think of which is passionate or romantic love. Storge is parent-child love. All of these are different and unique in their own ways, but you can't just have one. It's important to have Eros, but passion doesn't last your whole life and you need to have a foundation of Agape and Philios for your partner also.
There are three "P"s to dating. Planned, paid for, paired off. In order for it to be considered a date and not just hanging out, there has to be a plan of some sort, you should be having someone pay for the date (not necessarily the guy but most often than not) and paired off. There should be a distinction when you're out that you two are together for the night. After you get married the three "P"s kind of go along with the three in the Proclamation. Preside, provide, protect. You make think this a stretch but it really does correlate. Presiding can be like planning because in order for a husband to preside and be there then he has to have a plan. Paid for and provide go together because when you're dating it's nice to know that you're taken care of because the date will pay for the movie or dinner for the two of you and it lets you know that if you were to marry them they would be able to provide for you because they have made it a point to pay for you when you're dating. Paired off and protect go together because when you're paired off you are essentially saying that this is my girl and I'm with this person which makes the girl feel protected. I thought it was really cool how these matched up and how you really can get to know a lot about the person you want to marry by the people you date. I mean if you were to date someone who never paid or who was always borrowing money, you don't think of him as a hard worker or someone who wants to take care of you. Likewise if they can't even plan an actual date, how will they make decisions when it comes to presiding over you and your family? My teacher made an interesting remark he said to date around because if you don't then you date to hate. If you don't date a bunch of different people casually, then you don't know what kind of spouse you want and you end up hating the person you're with because you paired off too soon. It makes perfect sense to me. It's only when you're ready and you know what you want in a spouse that you can date just one person exclusively so that you prepare to marry them.
There are however some things to look out for. You can get a misattribution of arousal. When I heard this I thought.. interesting... but then the more it was explained the clearer it became. They have done studies where if your heart rate is up and breathing then it triggers the response of attractiveness and love even if you don't love that person. It can happen when you're working out because you're sitting there breathing heavy and heart rate is up so you tend to find the person you're working out next to more attractive. It's a good explanation for why guys like to take girls to scary movies and on roller coasters because that's exactly what happens. They did a study where they had a girl rate the attractiveness of a guy before they got on a roller coaster together and then rate him after, and every time the guy was rated more attractive after the exhilarating ride. It typically works most dramatically when you don't know the person beforehand, but still has an effect with someone you're seeing or with. It's a pretty good explanation for girls liking bad boys. Since they invoke danger and a little bit of fear, it gets the heart rate up and you feel aroused. This can be dangerous though because you may feel like you love someone because of your brain tricking you, and then find out later you don't.
It can happen with spiritual things also. The Prophets have said to not have dates at the Temple or places of similar spiritualness because you can be mistaking the good feelings of the Spirit, for feelings of love.
In reading an article about dating and hooking up and marriage he says, "be a little more proactive and seek someone you like, someone who is worthy, and someone who inspires you to be a better person. The Spirit will guide you but won't do the courting or make the choice for you." He's saying this in relation to girls waiting around for the perfect glass slipper to come and be put on her foot. ("Hanging Out, Hooking up, and Celestial Marriage" by Bruce A. Chadwick.)
There are three "P"s to dating. Planned, paid for, paired off. In order for it to be considered a date and not just hanging out, there has to be a plan of some sort, you should be having someone pay for the date (not necessarily the guy but most often than not) and paired off. There should be a distinction when you're out that you two are together for the night. After you get married the three "P"s kind of go along with the three in the Proclamation. Preside, provide, protect. You make think this a stretch but it really does correlate. Presiding can be like planning because in order for a husband to preside and be there then he has to have a plan. Paid for and provide go together because when you're dating it's nice to know that you're taken care of because the date will pay for the movie or dinner for the two of you and it lets you know that if you were to marry them they would be able to provide for you because they have made it a point to pay for you when you're dating. Paired off and protect go together because when you're paired off you are essentially saying that this is my girl and I'm with this person which makes the girl feel protected. I thought it was really cool how these matched up and how you really can get to know a lot about the person you want to marry by the people you date. I mean if you were to date someone who never paid or who was always borrowing money, you don't think of him as a hard worker or someone who wants to take care of you. Likewise if they can't even plan an actual date, how will they make decisions when it comes to presiding over you and your family? My teacher made an interesting remark he said to date around because if you don't then you date to hate. If you don't date a bunch of different people casually, then you don't know what kind of spouse you want and you end up hating the person you're with because you paired off too soon. It makes perfect sense to me. It's only when you're ready and you know what you want in a spouse that you can date just one person exclusively so that you prepare to marry them.
There are however some things to look out for. You can get a misattribution of arousal. When I heard this I thought.. interesting... but then the more it was explained the clearer it became. They have done studies where if your heart rate is up and breathing then it triggers the response of attractiveness and love even if you don't love that person. It can happen when you're working out because you're sitting there breathing heavy and heart rate is up so you tend to find the person you're working out next to more attractive. It's a good explanation for why guys like to take girls to scary movies and on roller coasters because that's exactly what happens. They did a study where they had a girl rate the attractiveness of a guy before they got on a roller coaster together and then rate him after, and every time the guy was rated more attractive after the exhilarating ride. It typically works most dramatically when you don't know the person beforehand, but still has an effect with someone you're seeing or with. It's a pretty good explanation for girls liking bad boys. Since they invoke danger and a little bit of fear, it gets the heart rate up and you feel aroused. This can be dangerous though because you may feel like you love someone because of your brain tricking you, and then find out later you don't.
It can happen with spiritual things also. The Prophets have said to not have dates at the Temple or places of similar spiritualness because you can be mistaking the good feelings of the Spirit, for feelings of love.
In reading an article about dating and hooking up and marriage he says, "be a little more proactive and seek someone you like, someone who is worthy, and someone who inspires you to be a better person. The Spirit will guide you but won't do the courting or make the choice for you." He's saying this in relation to girls waiting around for the perfect glass slipper to come and be put on her foot. ("Hanging Out, Hooking up, and Celestial Marriage" by Bruce A. Chadwick.)
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Understanding Homosexuality
This topic can be really hard to discuss sometimes because it is very touchy. I am just writing some facts I found really important and also intriguing in my readings this week.
Social-learning theories explain how needs for attention and affection get mixed up with sexuality when sexual abuse occurs.
Using a nonclinical population, Tomeo, Templer, Anderson, and Kotler found that 46 percent of gay men and 22 percent of lesbians were sexually abused as children, compared to 7 percent of the matched heterosexual men and 1 percent of the matched heterosexual women. Particularly intriguing was the finding that 68 percent of the homosexual men and 38 percent of the lesbians did not self-identify as gay or lesbian until after the molestation.33
M. E. Tomeo, D. I. Templer, S. Anderson, and D. Kotler. “Comparative Data of Childhood and Adolescence Molestation in Heterosexual and Homosexual Persons,” Archives of Sexual Behavior 30, no. 5 (2001): 535–41.
This does not mean that if you were sexually abused as a child you will be homosexual or anything, it just means it can create gender confusion which makes you vulnerable to many challenges, among them homosexuality.
Sexual attractions may not be chosen, but responses to those attractions do involve choice.
Unbidden attractions may come because of situational factors and prior sexual experiences. There may even be some kind of biological predisposition that makes such attractions more probable than not. But these attractions may be increased or decreased by the choices that people make.
Story
In 2000, the American Psychiatric Association was set to ban reorientation therapy. During their meeting in Chicago, the convention goers were greeted by busloads of evangelical Christians protesting this attempt to ban such care. Spitzer (along with the current author) met with some of the protestors, and Spitzer found their stories of change to be credible and decided that he would do a study to see if indeed homosexuality was fixed in all individuals. Though skeptical, Spitzer conducted his research and was surprised at the results. He found that 66 percent of the men and 44 percent of the women had achieved good heterosexual functioning. He also concluded that after reorientation therapy 89 percent of the men and 95 percent of the women were bothered only slightly or not at all by unwanted homosexual attractions. And contrary to the assertions by some that reorientation therapy was harmful, he did not find this to be the case at all. In fact, many of the participants in his study were depressed when they began psychological care. Virtually none were depressed at the termination of the care. Spitzer concluded that changes were made not just in behavior but in core features of sexual orientation, including attraction and fantasy.51
R. L. Spitzer, “Can Some Gay Men and Lesbians Change Their Sexual Orientation? 200 Participants Reporting a Change from Homosexual to Heterosexual Orientation,” Archives of Sexual Behavior 32, no. 5 (Oct. 2003): 403–17.
Everything I've quoted is from "Understanding Same Sex Attraction: Where to turn and how to help" Ch. 8 Written by Dean Byrd, PhD, MBA, MPH.
A psychologist, Gloria Steinham, said, "We desperately need to raise our boys a lot more like our girls."
AGREE?
I don't. I think we've been given certain talents and roles as male and female and it's supposed to be like that. I'm not saying when it comes to raising a family guys and girls should only do certain things. For example I think it's very important for both to be helpful towards each other. Meaning, women don't just have to do all the dishes and cleaning and raising the children. The men should help. However in the Proclamation: The Family it says that women were made to be nurturing and men were made to preside, protect, and provide. We were given specific roles in this sense.
In class we wrote down differences in male and females. For example generally speaking females are more emotional, observant, and have better verbal skills. Males on the other hand are more protective, aggressive, and have a one track focus. This is because women have 5x more connective tissue in their brains. They are able to go from one thing to the next and see a bunch of different things. Men have more gray matter. They did MRI's of male and female and showed them a picture of something while they were doing the test. In men, only one part of the brain lit up, and it was very very bright. That's where all of the focus was and there was hardly any activity anywhere else. The same picture was shown to the women and although part of their brain lit up in that same area, it wasn't nearly as bright and there were other parts of the brain lit up also. This is showing that when men focus on something, that is where the sole focus is. When women focus on something however, they can still think about other things. Interesting huh? In doing this though our teacher told us that usually guys who act more like the female characteristics we've stated are usually labeled as gay by society. If a girl acts more like the characteristics of men, they are just labeled as a tom-boy, but usually we get a lot more meaner in a way when men have more female characteristics. The way we react can greatly influence whether a male will identify himself as gay. Even if he didn't think he was, if he acts more like typical female characteristics, he might feel that way because of the way he's treated. It's unfair really.
Brother Williams at the end of class said something really profound to me. He said;
"It's not natural to have SUCH different personalities come together and live peaceably... it's DIVINE."
Social-learning theories explain how needs for attention and affection get mixed up with sexuality when sexual abuse occurs.
Using a nonclinical population, Tomeo, Templer, Anderson, and Kotler found that 46 percent of gay men and 22 percent of lesbians were sexually abused as children, compared to 7 percent of the matched heterosexual men and 1 percent of the matched heterosexual women. Particularly intriguing was the finding that 68 percent of the homosexual men and 38 percent of the lesbians did not self-identify as gay or lesbian until after the molestation.33
M. E. Tomeo, D. I. Templer, S. Anderson, and D. Kotler. “Comparative Data of Childhood and Adolescence Molestation in Heterosexual and Homosexual Persons,” Archives of Sexual Behavior 30, no. 5 (2001): 535–41.
This does not mean that if you were sexually abused as a child you will be homosexual or anything, it just means it can create gender confusion which makes you vulnerable to many challenges, among them homosexuality.
Sexual attractions may not be chosen, but responses to those attractions do involve choice.
Unbidden attractions may come because of situational factors and prior sexual experiences. There may even be some kind of biological predisposition that makes such attractions more probable than not. But these attractions may be increased or decreased by the choices that people make.
Story
In 2000, the American Psychiatric Association was set to ban reorientation therapy. During their meeting in Chicago, the convention goers were greeted by busloads of evangelical Christians protesting this attempt to ban such care. Spitzer (along with the current author) met with some of the protestors, and Spitzer found their stories of change to be credible and decided that he would do a study to see if indeed homosexuality was fixed in all individuals. Though skeptical, Spitzer conducted his research and was surprised at the results. He found that 66 percent of the men and 44 percent of the women had achieved good heterosexual functioning. He also concluded that after reorientation therapy 89 percent of the men and 95 percent of the women were bothered only slightly or not at all by unwanted homosexual attractions. And contrary to the assertions by some that reorientation therapy was harmful, he did not find this to be the case at all. In fact, many of the participants in his study were depressed when they began psychological care. Virtually none were depressed at the termination of the care. Spitzer concluded that changes were made not just in behavior but in core features of sexual orientation, including attraction and fantasy.51
R. L. Spitzer, “Can Some Gay Men and Lesbians Change Their Sexual Orientation? 200 Participants Reporting a Change from Homosexual to Heterosexual Orientation,” Archives of Sexual Behavior 32, no. 5 (Oct. 2003): 403–17.
Everything I've quoted is from "Understanding Same Sex Attraction: Where to turn and how to help" Ch. 8 Written by Dean Byrd, PhD, MBA, MPH.
A psychologist, Gloria Steinham, said, "We desperately need to raise our boys a lot more like our girls."
AGREE?
I don't. I think we've been given certain talents and roles as male and female and it's supposed to be like that. I'm not saying when it comes to raising a family guys and girls should only do certain things. For example I think it's very important for both to be helpful towards each other. Meaning, women don't just have to do all the dishes and cleaning and raising the children. The men should help. However in the Proclamation: The Family it says that women were made to be nurturing and men were made to preside, protect, and provide. We were given specific roles in this sense.
In class we wrote down differences in male and females. For example generally speaking females are more emotional, observant, and have better verbal skills. Males on the other hand are more protective, aggressive, and have a one track focus. This is because women have 5x more connective tissue in their brains. They are able to go from one thing to the next and see a bunch of different things. Men have more gray matter. They did MRI's of male and female and showed them a picture of something while they were doing the test. In men, only one part of the brain lit up, and it was very very bright. That's where all of the focus was and there was hardly any activity anywhere else. The same picture was shown to the women and although part of their brain lit up in that same area, it wasn't nearly as bright and there were other parts of the brain lit up also. This is showing that when men focus on something, that is where the sole focus is. When women focus on something however, they can still think about other things. Interesting huh? In doing this though our teacher told us that usually guys who act more like the female characteristics we've stated are usually labeled as gay by society. If a girl acts more like the characteristics of men, they are just labeled as a tom-boy, but usually we get a lot more meaner in a way when men have more female characteristics. The way we react can greatly influence whether a male will identify himself as gay. Even if he didn't think he was, if he acts more like typical female characteristics, he might feel that way because of the way he's treated. It's unfair really.
Brother Williams at the end of class said something really profound to me. He said;
"It's not natural to have SUCH different personalities come together and live peaceably... it's DIVINE."
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Research
We got some statistics in class the other day that I found very interesting. One of them is that family work does more to bring families together than family vacation. The reason of this is because when you are on vacation, you get a preconceived idea that you can relax and do whatever you want. Most of the time, however, that is not the case because you are with other people and they all have ideas of what they want to do. Family work brings you to a common goal. When you're working together, you're interacting and I know some of my favorite times growing up was when we all had to go outside and do yard work together or work on a huge project, because it was bonding time.
There was also a new study published. The article will get put up today so I'll post it for anyone who wants to read the research and stuff. It was very interesting. It was research on adults after they had grown up and what kind of lifestyle they had growing up. So they took a bunch of adults and had them in different sections of the room based on if they had an intact biological family (meaning mom and dad), grew up in a single parent household, divorced household, or lesbian household. Then they were asked a bunch of questions. There is a bunch of research, but the few we focused on today in class were the differences between growing up in an intact biological household, or a lesbian household. What they found, was that growing up in a lesbian household actually did have a bunch of negative effects that went into adulthood. A lot of the studies done to see whether there is a difference or not is done by asking the parents of the children, or still asking the child as they're growing up. This one was done once they were grown. What they found was that you were 2x more likely to be employed if you came from an intact family. You were 12x more likely to be touched inappropriately by an adult if you grew up in a lesbian home, and you were 4x more likely to have your sexual orientation be homosexual if you grew up in a lesbian home. This may seem stupid to point out, but what interested me so much about it is because people have said that even if you grow up in a same gender household, you're not any more likely to become homosexual, when clearly that's not the case.
Side note. I was talking about the institution of marriage in a couple posts back, and there is a law in Mexico City where you can only be married for 2 years. After two years your contract is up, and you can either renew it and stay married, or you can call it quits. How sad is that? It's to cut down on divorce rates, so you go into it knowing in 2 years you're done if you want to be. So sad.
This is a link to some research done about the research of same-sex parenting. It's only a couple pages, and VERY interesting. (Let me know if it won't work.. because it's from my school site I may have to be logged in in order for it to show..)
https://byui.brainhoney.com/Frame/Component/CoursePlayer?enrollmentid=10115744
There was also a new study published. The article will get put up today so I'll post it for anyone who wants to read the research and stuff. It was very interesting. It was research on adults after they had grown up and what kind of lifestyle they had growing up. So they took a bunch of adults and had them in different sections of the room based on if they had an intact biological family (meaning mom and dad), grew up in a single parent household, divorced household, or lesbian household. Then they were asked a bunch of questions. There is a bunch of research, but the few we focused on today in class were the differences between growing up in an intact biological household, or a lesbian household. What they found, was that growing up in a lesbian household actually did have a bunch of negative effects that went into adulthood. A lot of the studies done to see whether there is a difference or not is done by asking the parents of the children, or still asking the child as they're growing up. This one was done once they were grown. What they found was that you were 2x more likely to be employed if you came from an intact family. You were 12x more likely to be touched inappropriately by an adult if you grew up in a lesbian home, and you were 4x more likely to have your sexual orientation be homosexual if you grew up in a lesbian home. This may seem stupid to point out, but what interested me so much about it is because people have said that even if you grow up in a same gender household, you're not any more likely to become homosexual, when clearly that's not the case.
Side note. I was talking about the institution of marriage in a couple posts back, and there is a law in Mexico City where you can only be married for 2 years. After two years your contract is up, and you can either renew it and stay married, or you can call it quits. How sad is that? It's to cut down on divorce rates, so you go into it knowing in 2 years you're done if you want to be. So sad.
This is a link to some research done about the research of same-sex parenting. It's only a couple pages, and VERY interesting. (Let me know if it won't work.. because it's from my school site I may have to be logged in in order for it to show..)
https://byui.brainhoney.com/Frame/Component/CoursePlayer?enrollmentid=10115744
Marriage Therapists
In class today we were talking about moral relativism vs. truth. We had to watch a CES Fireside where Elder Oaks discussed truth. In it he said that there is only absolute truth. That people have different values and cultural differences, but in the end, only absolute truth will prevail. Not to say that other cultures are necessarily wrong all the time. You can find truth in many things, and not just in the LDS church. In talking about this our teacher, Brother Williams, recounted a story where he was counseling a family. The family consisted of one boy, and the rest girls. The mom had once upon a time been in a heterosexual relationship, but after having her kids decided she was no longer interested in that, and was now with a woman. They went to counseling for the son because of problems he was having. After a few sessions, the two moms came to Brother Williams and said that they were having some marital problems and they felt like he really understood them, so would he be able to counsel them. He responded that he felt there were other therapists more qualified to help them in the surrounding area because his area of expertise was counseling man and wife. He also ended up letting them know that he believes in marriage between a man and a wife and that that is the most beneficial way in raising children, so it would be going against what he knows to be true to counsel and try to keep them together. Long story short, they didn't get upset with him and after a little while the two moms ended up breaking up and the mom of the kids was getting back together with her husband because she was more concerned with her son's happiness, and he needed a father figure in the house.
What I found so interesting about this was the way in which Brother Williams answered them. He knew what was true, and he could have lost his license by answering the way that he did. He did so however, because he knew the absolute truth. It made me really intrigued because one of the reasons I didn't want to become a marriage and family therapist or psychologist was because I was told there are certain things that have to be said regardless of how you feel. I asked after class and Brother Williams told me that when he was preparing for his license he had to take a bunch of tests and the last one was an oral one and the question he got had to do with a gay couple. He answered the same way with that question that he would refer them to someone more specialized in that area, and he passed the test. Now there are therapists that are LDS and still counsel homosexual couples and that's their decision. I'm really glad to know that as long as I'm being respectful, I can not go against what I believe to be true.
What I found so interesting about this was the way in which Brother Williams answered them. He knew what was true, and he could have lost his license by answering the way that he did. He did so however, because he knew the absolute truth. It made me really intrigued because one of the reasons I didn't want to become a marriage and family therapist or psychologist was because I was told there are certain things that have to be said regardless of how you feel. I asked after class and Brother Williams told me that when he was preparing for his license he had to take a bunch of tests and the last one was an oral one and the question he got had to do with a gay couple. He answered the same way with that question that he would refer them to someone more specialized in that area, and he passed the test. Now there are therapists that are LDS and still counsel homosexual couples and that's their decision. I'm really glad to know that as long as I'm being respectful, I can not go against what I believe to be true.
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