We discussed the importance of active parenting. How it's important as a parent to address the NEEDS of a child, rather than the BEHAVIOR. Behavior is a result of needs. Brother Williams gave a very interesting perspective on parenting I hadn't really thought of before. He said can you imagine having your vulnerable child that you love so much handed to someone else to take of? He was relating it to Heavenly Father and how He entrusts us to watch and take care of His children. So we need to do the best we can because we're just taking care of them for the time being.
When we parent it's important to realize that we don't know enough. Even if you "believe" a certain way, in the end you should really always be striving to do what's best by the Lord. We need to follow His guidance. It's important when we parent that even if we feel a certain thing needs to be carried out, we should first ask the Lord in prayer if this is right because He knows best. Not to mention, He's the perfect parent.
Have you ever met a child that is so annoying you have no idea how to handle them? Have you ever considered that the reason they are so annoying is because they have needs that aren't getting met so they're acting a certain way to try to meet those needs themselves? Many times when kids are really obnoxious, it is due to undue attention seeking. They're being that way because they don't know how else to get the attention they crave. In this scenario it's important to not just focus on the behavior. It's important to realize that maybe they need something and that's the reason for the behavior. Brother Williams gave an example of a boy who would chew on his shirts. No matter what his mom did for punishment for this, he would always chew on the collar of his shirt. Finally she took him to a doctor to see what the problem could be and he couldn't find anything wrong, but he suggested giving the boy bananas every day. In a couple days the boy stopped chewing on his shirt. The reason for this is because he was lacking potassium. He didn't know why he chewed on his shirt, just that he couldn't help but do it. Laundry detergent has trace amounts of potassium in it and so he was getting as much as he could. Once he started eating bananas however, he stopped chewing. His need was met and he was fine. The mom was focusing on the behavior that she didn't want him doing, rather than trying to meet a need.
Elder Groberg said, "You can never get enough of what you don't need, because what you don't need cannot satisfy you."
This makes me think of poor food choices.Sometimes I'll just sit and eat a whole bunch of hot cheetos and it seems I never get full of them because they're not satisfying a need of mine. They're not nutritious or in anyway helpful to my growing, but I keep eating them because I want them to fill me up or satisfy me, but they won't. I'll end up eating a whole bunch and then find myself needing to eat something more.
Brother Williams knew this hyperactive kid who would always touch people and get in your face and was just really obnoxious to most people so that people would try to avoid him. After some thinking, Brother Williams decided to give him what he needed. Instead of waiting for the "attack" he would approach the young kid and be super friendly. He'd basically do what the kid was doing. He'd be right there, and touch his arm and interact with him like the kid was interacting with everyone else. The kid eventually calmed down enough and didn't annoy people anymore. It was because his need was met. He just wanted attention and contact with people but didn't know how to get it without being annoying. Once he was getting attention and contact, he calmed down and was fine. It makes me think of little kids who will repeat the bad behavior, because any attention is good attention.
Teenage sex a lot of the time is because of a need for contact and belonging from someone. However, it's not satisfying enough because they're still not getting what they really need. A very interesting study has shown that dad's who hug their daughters makes them less permiscuous. They're not out looking for bad attention for contact and belonging from someone else because they are getting the feeling of belonging and love at home.
It's important to teach your kids to contribute. Typically you don't feel connected or belonging with someone if you aren't contributing. For example, if you were at a friends house and they wouldn't let you help with anything and just wanted you to sit there and watch a movie while everyone else cleans. Do you feel a part? Or do you feel more like a guest and uncomfortable? It's the same with a sports team or young women's for example. If you show up to games, but are just standing there and aren't helping to score or work a little, do you feel you've bonded with the team and a part? Probably not.
When you're dealing with kids it's important to treat them with just as much respect as you would anyone else. Brother Williams gave an example where he was in charge of an all boys group home. It was just him and 35 other boys that he had to be in charge of. These were kids where they were so bad they weren't allowed to live at home anymore. Well he made it a point that when he'd come to work he would bond with them. He would talk to them and treat them politely. Then when it came to working with them, it was simple because they were shown the respect they deserved. On the other hand, he had colleagues who were working with other groups of boys and they had severe problems. The boys were always getting out of hand and they'd have to wrestle them down or something. Brother Williams was meeting the needs of his boys.
An interesting thing was pointed out. When you have a child with a mental illness, you're not supposed to treat them differently than your other kids. Of course sometimes adjustments have to be made, but overall they should be treated as normal as possible because that's how they learn what normal is. A girl in class pointed out how she knew someone who had an autistic kid. They had other kids as well, but the autistic kid was treated much differently than the others. Since the other kids weren't getting the same type of attention, a lot of them started to exhibit autistic behavior so they would get more attention. It doesn't have to be necessarily a mental illness either. Kids will act however they feel will get them what they need. Needs are SO important when parenting and it's not about a change in behavior, it's about addressing a need.. which WILL change a behavior.
No comments:
Post a Comment